She went to India on the 11th (your first kiss was on the 12th, the Wednesday before Pro Ams 2011), she came back on the 19th. You spent time with her on the 20th, a Monday, -- both of you went to the bakery, then to the park where you used to have first aid training (DK Court). At one point, both of you sat on the swing you carried to the park 5 years ago during compsquad training.
Both of you met again on the 24th, a Friday, this time with two of your closest friends. And this time, things seemed to have healed.
The next week, you went back and she went off.
From there, things didn't recover. She wasn't perfect, but neither were you. It was a slow decay intermingled with hope, and it was a rough time in your life. At one point, it was a Tuesday and you had to give a speech about Giving Up and moving on, yet none of your words rang true to yourself.
You were quite sad and cried yourself to sleep most of the nights. Needless to say, you'll probably face greater moments of grief in your life, but at that very moment, this was the most potent cocktail of despair, hopelessness and sadness you had ever experienced in your short 18 years thus far. It didn't help that you believed meaning came through examination, not of your own, but of another. The unexamined life was, depressingly, not worth living.
You did have some happy moments, however, particularly the day where you were crying in bed and a friend came over to console you.
On the 14th of November, you went for Pro Ams 2014. You were sitting in the hall and someone you knew since 2011 asked about your girlfriend. That moment was the painful realization that it was over, and that you would have to live this new life from here on. On a side note, you went from 3rd best speaker in 2011 to Overall best in 2014! Three years to move up two ranks. And for once, you made it past the Quarters, so that was nice as well. In true Pro Ams fashion, you ended your final round with a bang -- be it making jokes about the male genitalia or calling people insane as you point towards them.
After a while, the emptiness became normal, but its presence was still felt.
It's now April. It's been nearly half a year, but you still feel sad. More than ever, you miss the small things you used to do together.
You miss holding her hands. You miss resting your ears against her and feeling her heartbeat. You miss her embrace and perhaps surprisingly, you miss her family and how it felt like your family as well. You miss how this one person understood you more than anyone else could, mostly because this person had seen you grow up in a span of time and in a level of proximity no one else to this point has.
More so, you miss the person she used to be. No reconciliation could ever rewind your lives to the point it was, nor could it change the fact that the person she was to you is now dead.
Worst still is the admittance that no one else truly cares. There are parts of this story that you, and only you, could ever truly comprehend and understand. To everyone else, it's either unrelatable or insignificant (which it is, but not to you right now)
Part of you feels that life is better now, but really, it isn't. You preferred life two years ago. You definitely feel smarter. Part of you wants to think you carry yourself better -- but you can't really tell. For one, you stutter more than ever.
But oddly enough, all this is enjoyable. The fear, the uncertainty and the sadness makes life all the more real. To feel those things means that life still matters enough to make you feel sad.
And in hindsight, it was a lovely relationship, and it's ending does not mar that. You grew up a lot in that period and the both of you shared something beautiful that not many get. At one point in time, you felt it was a waste of life. It was not. The beautiful moments will continue to remain beautiful moments. And though the both of you may never get to recreate the wonder that defined three whole years of your lives, the memories will continue to linger on -- be it holding hands for the first time in that haunted house or the sketches she gave you one year into your relationship.
Unfortunately, the best is over.
Till next time.
