Life Thus Far 2014-2015

Welp, I have around 14 days till I break my combo on this blog. There's a lot of embarrassing stuff here, but thank God no one reads it unless it's emo. Ha. Ha. Ha.

(Then, they never forget)

Here goes nothing, future Aaron.

2014

1) National Service

You found this pleasant, but remarkably boring.

You kept 3 diaries, which are in a box in your room somewhere. There are a lot of cat drawings inside it. You figured that the best way to pass time in the classes was to pretend you were taking notes in these notebooks, but actually drawing cat pictures, doing math, and writing god-awful poetry.

You managed to read a lot of books, including Taking the Wrong God Home, House Rules (or something), Perks of Being a Wallflower... and you forget the rest. As with most of your life thus far, that thick Blanchard macroeconomics book followed you to PLKN, but you kept it hidden lest you get beaten up.

You turned part of your locker into a library and loaned books to your peers.

For the most part, you kept a low profile, but key moments include giving a really good speech in BM (and your peers/officials) commenting that you spoke good Malay (this will not happen to you again for a very long time). You also exercised religiously and lost roughly 10-15 kg.

You disliked being there, but at the same were thankful you were not Singaporean. You were also called India Murtad because of your name, which frankly was hilarious.

2) Teaching

You almost always forget this part of your life, but you were a teacher! Most of your best memories come from teaching the form 3s Math when Pn. Teh was away. You feel you did a good job overall there, and received good comments from teachers.

One thing that resonated with you was how awful yet nice being a teacher was. You remember having ~120 books to mark, and to you, marking a piece of work was always a personal thing dotted with smileys and encouraging comments... till you reached book 60 and your mind was falling apart. There was also a tonne of paperwork, and a number of days were simply spent in an office.

You also learned that you should never laminate two pieces of paper together because that makes them stick irreparably to each other. Thinking about it, this has likely been your biggest lesson in the past 2 years, if anything, for the clarity such a lesson was delivered with.

When you taught the form 1s and 2s, you planned debates and sketches for them. Notably was that paper game thing, where one of the form 1s commented that it was the best English class she's ever had.

That made you feel good, but also guilty, because a real teacher just doesn't get that privilege.

You restarted the school's debate team, and that was awesome because the kids were true gems. You went to CQ Teo with them.

At night, you worked as a freelance writer. One of your most meaningful projects was with an Australian woman who wanted to help teach kids. Another entailed writing inspiration quotes on love and relationships. Here's one I just pulled up from your work folder:

Without heartbreak, love is but a naive and empty shell,

Without sadness, happiness can never mean anything,

We only appreciate heaven when we've gone through hell,

So if you're going through hell, keep going.

Hahahahahha. What a prophet you were. Hmmm. (The last line was from Churchill, but he was probably talking in a different context. Probably).

They probably made this one into a graphic for Facebook.

3) Start of KTJ

This was your roommate:

He asked you to get a few packets of butter from the dining hall, but he was asleep when you arrived. You had no idea where to put it, so you stacked it on his back. This is somewhat similar to the time you used a marker pen to give him a Bindi while he was asleep, except this was in public. Good times.

He used to have hair.

Your other roommate was insistent on sleeping with the aircon at 16.

Beyond that, it was pretty dull. You got back into debating, did Pro-Ams and WSDC, broke up etc. 

2015

1) KTJ again

New roommate. Cool guy. Good times.

2) Forensics 

You gave this speech, and won.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFq1PA37Jko

The fun-est moment was when you, Silas, and Thev were in a room solving an impending screw-up 2 days later. This was the 22nd of May, and involved multiple phone calls and swearing. 

3) WSDC

Yep you did it again.

4) Piano

Moving into upper sixth.

You had tried out for Talentime last year with Secret, but that didn't work out too well.

You tried again this year, this time with a different song. You practiced really hard, and your fingers were very painful. You would go to the auditorium nearly every day and try the piece on the real piano you would be using on the day itself.

Your audition video is on the computer somewhere, together with another performance video taken by a junior.

Here's the official video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuUkE8_tveo

On the real day, your hands were sweaty, they keys tougher than usual. You messed up halfway, but recovered after smashing a bunch of keys randomly and hearing out for what sounded right. Silas was next to you and said something on the lines of "Don't worry you'll be fine", which meant a lot.

You won the instrumental category. Most people would think you were a shitty pianist because you couldn't see what you were playing, but the truth is you were a shitty pianist either way, and the gimmick worked like a charm in covering that up.

5) Pasukan

This was the best experience, ever. Here are pictures.

....and now it's time to study. 

Life Thus Far

We broke up in October.

She went to India on the 11th (your first kiss was on the 12th, the Wednesday before Pro Ams 2011), she came back on the 19th. You spent time with her on the 20th, a Monday, -- both of you went to the bakery, then to the park where you used to have first aid training (DK Court). At one point, both of you sat on the swing you carried to the park 5 years ago during compsquad training. 

Both of you met again on the 24th, a Friday, this time with two of your closest friends. And this time, things seemed to have healed. 

The next week, you went back and she went off. 

From there, things didn't recover. She wasn't perfect, but neither were you. It was a slow decay intermingled with hope, and it was a rough time in your life. At one point, it was a Tuesday and you had to give a speech about Giving Up and moving on, yet none of your words rang true to yourself. 

You were quite sad and cried yourself to sleep most of the nights. Needless to say, you'll probably face greater moments of grief in your life, but at that very moment, this was the most potent cocktail of despair, hopelessness and sadness you had ever experienced in your short 18 years thus far. It didn't help that you believed meaning came through examination, not of your own, but of another. The unexamined life was, depressingly, not worth living. 

You did have some happy moments, however, particularly the day where you were crying in bed and a friend came over to console you. 

On the 14th of November, you went for Pro Ams 2014. You were sitting in the hall and someone you knew since 2011 asked about your girlfriend. That moment was the painful realization that it was over, and that you would have to live this new life from here on. On a side note, you went from 3rd best speaker in 2011 to Overall best in 2014! Three years to move up two ranks. And for once, you made it past the Quarters, so that was nice as well. In true Pro Ams fashion, you ended your final round with a bang -- be it making jokes about the male genitalia or calling people insane as you point towards them.

After a while, the emptiness became normal, but its presence was still felt. 

It's now April. It's been nearly half a year, but you still feel sad. More than ever, you miss the small things you used to do together. 

You miss holding her hands. You miss resting your ears against her and feeling her heartbeat. You miss her embrace and perhaps surprisingly, you miss her family and how it felt like your family as well. You miss how this one person understood you more than anyone else could, mostly because this person had seen you grow up in a span of time and in a level of proximity no one else to this point has. 

More so, you miss the person she used to be. No reconciliation could ever rewind your lives to the point it was, nor could it change the fact that the person she was to you is now dead. 

Worst still is the admittance that no one else truly cares. There are parts of this story that you, and only you, could ever truly comprehend and understand. To everyone else, it's either unrelatable or insignificant (which it is, but not to you right now)

Part of you feels that life is better now, but really, it isn't. You preferred life two years ago. You definitely feel smarter. Part of you wants to think you carry yourself better -- but you can't really tell. For one, you stutter more than ever. 

But oddly enough, all this is enjoyable. The fear, the uncertainty and the sadness makes life all the more real. To feel those things means that life still matters enough to make you feel sad. 

And in hindsight, it was a lovely relationship, and it's ending does not mar that. You grew up a lot in that period and the both of you shared something beautiful that not many get. At one point in time, you felt it was a waste of life. It was not. The beautiful moments will continue to remain beautiful moments. And though the both of you may never get to recreate the wonder that defined three whole years of your lives, the memories will continue to linger on -- be it holding hands for the first time in that haunted house or the sketches she gave you one year into your relationship.

Unfortunately, the best is over.

Till next time.

This is for you, Aaron Luke #2

Sunway Public Speaking: Adversity

(Aaron Luke)

Right now, an entire nation is contemplating war, while their citizens have to live with the threat of being annihilated. Right now, someone in the world has just learned that they have a tumour growing in their brain.

            Honourable judges, accurate time-keeper, teachers and fellow friends. Adversity, something I shall be talking to you about, is a challenge that threatens what we have and experience at this very moment. It is a situation that causes us grief and hardship and with no doubt, is a painful experience.

            But looking beyond that surficial pain we go through, if we look deeper this very same adversity we go through is what defines us.

            Take a university student going overseas for studies. Imagine having to be separated from your family and friends, imagine having that feeling of comfort and security stripped away from you. More so, imagine the adversity that student goes through, living off Maggi Mee and reusing dirty underwear day after day.

            As painful as it is to have to cope in a foreign country while still studying, that same excruciating experience is the true lesson for the university student. Through it, he learns to be independent. He learns to throw away old ideas about the world and adapt to the problem at hand. He matures. This is what adversity offers us –growth.

            But better yet, imagine the joy he experiences when he returns home. The feeling of being with family again, enjoying a proper meal, catching up with friends. Had he not left overseas, he would never have the chance to feel this way. Only adversity can provide us the contrast in life, to appreciate the good times.

            In essence, ladies and gentlemen, we have to look beyond the initial suffering we go through. As hard as life can be sometimes, we have to realize a greater good behind it all. As Thomas Kempis said, adversity doesn’t make us frail; it merely shows who we are. Adversity is our teacher, it forces us to grow. More so, adversity allows us to appreciate happiness. It shows us two sides of the coin. Only when we know how tough life could be can we be grateful for how good it is right now.

            Adversity may take away everything from us, but we are only losers if we choose to let it win.

--This was for your first round in Sunway. It was around June 2012, I think. The song Viking by Orjan Nilsen was playing in your head the entire time. You almost lost your bag after the 2nd round ("Bigger is better"), and you thought you won after they called out your name to return the bag. Your final round was about "A man is known by the silence he keeps", and your mum was in the audience. Pn. Chng had to leave. 

The speech was never in the script.

This is for you, Aaron Luke. #1

 Treasure

By Aaron Luke

            As a young child, I often wondered; what is the ultimate treasure? I dreamed of sailing the seven seas, pillaging villages and collecting loot. Alas, the life of a pirate is not practical in the context of my time. As I grew older, I realized that everyone had their “ultimate treasure.” A treasure need not be limited to the material world. In fact, wherever I went, people derived their concept of the ultimate treasure from the abstract. Everyone had their purpose in life, the reason they bothered to get out of bed each morning. Everyone had their “treasure”, be it abstract or material in nature. It was a trove of purpose, a well cherished concept or item that gave them reason to do anything.

            Naturally, I wondered, what is my ultimate treasure? I soon realized that pirates and dinosaurs were not something I could treasure for long. There must be something more.

            First I turned to the Almighty. God was my treasure, and faith was the key to the chest. I lived a relatively pious life, secure with the knowledge that the ultimate treasure was within my grasp.  That was not sufficient! This was a treasure to be shared. Soon, each of my friends received the religious book of my choice. After all, should I not share this great discovery of loot with others? Nevertheless, doubts sprung in my mind. I could not reconcile the fact that others have a difference conceptualization of what the treasure could be. Why do they reject my attempts to share the treasure with them? Perhaps my treasure is not the ultimate treasure after all. With much scorn and frustration, I cast away my treasure. Though I face ostracization and contempt, my conception of treasure lies elsewhere.

            Friends and family! The answer had never been cleared. The treasure was within my grasp all this time. After all, what greater treasure could I find, than the love and support I receive from them? They gave me purpose. I live, for they continue to live. Their smiles and encouragement gave me reason to think that life was not such a drab after all. Every day, I showered them with appreciation and love; in return, I got the same. Nevertheless, doubts sprung in my mind. Death entered the picture, and soon I was taught a harsh lesson by life itself. How could I cherish a perishable treasure? Love and appreciation I can give to them, but to herald my friends and family as the ultimate treasure? With much scorn and frustration, I cast away my treasure. Though I face isolation and despair, my conception of treasure lies elsewhere.

            I looked around and I saw smiles on the faces of the rich. They splashed their wealth around and their every desire came true. Fame and fortune became my next target. Emotions may fade, but pure hedonism is worth it. I did as society instructed. I worked hard and amassed a fortune. My every wish was merely a buck away. I was living the “dream.” Nevertheless, doubts sprung in my mind. I was jarred by the idea of emptiness. Where shall my wealth go when I perish? How could I value a treasure that would abandon me? With much scorn and frustration, I cast away my treasure. Though I face destitution and poverty, my conception of treasure lies elsewhere.

            Knowledge became my next conquest. If I were to perish, at least I shall perish with knowledge. Knowledge will never forsake me. It is a treasure that shall forever be mine. I studied and I researched. The universe was a playground to be discovered. Magic was a sham, science was truth. I searched for beauty in the world around me, and I found it everywhere –from the largest of galaxies to the most minute of particles. Nevertheless, doubts sprung in my mind. The more I knew, the less I knew. I realized the treasure was never within my reach, and it would never be. With much scorn and frustration, I cast my treasure away. Though I face foolishness and ignorance, my conception of treasure lies elsewhere.

            As an old man on his deathbed, I often wondered; what is the ultimate treasure? I forsake the spiritual, the emotional, the physical and the intellectual. My journey was fruitless and pointless, or so I thought. Alas, I remembered how enjoyable my journey was. Every morning, I had reason to get out of bed. I cherished each day as I sought out my ultimate treasure. Then, an epiphany struck me; I was blind not to notice it earlier.

            Perhaps the ultimate treasure is life itself. 

--Written in 2013 during your SPM trial exams. You mispelt a tonne of words, and your handwriting was crap. You lost the paper, but it's probably somewhere in your room if you search hard enough. 

LTF

Recap 2011?

3) Wasn't this something fun?

It started out so simple. Everything was just a struggle to get better. It felt so flat, yet homely at the start. I remember going to KIDS BP with David, that was a hectic experience. Then it was IIU. Then Pro-Ams, which was the best. Tan and I could barely debate. I remember going to the first round and getting trashed so bad. Something about Decriminalizing all illegal substances/activities for the terminally ill.The next round? We won. But it was nothing great. It was about citizens being bound to the law of their country of origin, we were OO, and we just survived. Then the third round came, about Jedi Mind tricks being against civil liberties. We came out thinking we lost flat, but yet we won. And it just kept on getting better, we went to the 4th round, about Christmas in the USA being state endorsed discrimination, and we survived on a second place. Then it was the round that changed everything- THB in the creation of super soldiers. It was a coincidence that we got CO, in a totally overpowered room. It felt like UiTM IV '10 all over again. We went in without anything. Hafiedz was CG AGAIN. Maqetab was OO AGAIN. It was like have to relive a nightmare again. But we won. Green Lantern and I got through it with the power of video games.

Things were all smooth from then on. From selections to 3 tournaments. It was draining, debating for 4-5 days and breaking for the rest of the days. Then for some reason I got through, and it was off to SDO, a total disappointment. I remember thinking to myself how useless I was. I couldn't convince myself that I would do any good the next month. But for some reason, everything fell in place. I gave my first proper reply, and it survived. I remember their arguments hitting me. It was like I could feel the damage they were doing. Everything was so personal. For the first time, the nerves didn't hit me. It was like there were more important things than myself.

2) A gigantic realization that I wasted my time.

Its amazing how the playing field can change in just a few months. Also, how unthoughtful people can be. Sometimes things are only as good as they help you.

6) Something new

The concert on 15th July was something fun. Definitely introduced me to a lot of new things. I guess I learnt a lot from here.

1) Really?

It was nothing compared to this year. Its like no one cared about it.

For old times sake

No one blogs anymore. Not that I care who reads my blog. Its interesting to view back posts, see how much things have changed. So I guess this is a blog for my own personal interests, most people probably don't even know it exist.

Hmmmmm. I guess I should recap last year, like what I did for 2010. There are some many things happening, it'd be a shame to forget them. Reading back, I'm glad to have the blog. It feels so nostalgic.

I guess the concert last year was the best memory, so was all the early debating at KIDS BP and UIA Interschool. Those were fun times, still trying to grasp and talking from the heart. Selections was a tedious process, but it payed off. I feel different.

I guess that's it. I think I've forgotten a big chunk of last year. Such a shame, this is all I have to offer to my future self.

The Plot Finally Thickens

Form 3 has gotten slightly more interesting, though its still insanely boring.

I've been questioning the reasons for my boredom lately. I think I have come to a conclusion. Of course though, I'm not going to bother writing it down.

Last thursday was fun. I'm not sure why, but it was a ridiculuously long day. Let's see what I wrote down:

-waking up at 4 in the morning

-Public Speaking right after assembly

-The nightmare I had during Geo class (This may imply that I was sleeping, but I wasn't. It was simply a bad experience during Geo)

-The farewell party for Hasif, running around, getting pizza, hiding pizza, paying pizza man. And getting soaked in coke.

-Wet socks

-Keeping a promise to a person I barely knew, no matter how much I didn't want to.

-Figuring out Emily's puzzle with Shas.

-Talking to a good friend after a long time.

Here are some pictures to make the blog less wordy:

I miss:

Jin

Claire

Charlene


ALim

My dignity (But I do believe that was gone by the first picture)